everything i've done seems terrible wrong.. and now, it's all getting worse! i made mistake wheni talk, of what i hear, of what i've done, of my past decisions.. of what i choose, on what i believe in, with whom i am, of where i'm standing... aarrrghhhh!!!!

it seems that become who i really am, is the biggest mistake.. ever!!!

"so with my best, my very best, i set you free..."

the song with its lyrics just got locked in my mind. wherever i go, whatever i do, i keep on singing the song.. oh well, we finally talked and sort things out. we're still in the relationship and still gonna try to make it work somehow. really hope that we can make it.

i'm not saying that i have fallen so deep in love with him or anything, but in a way, deep down inside i still have this curiosity over him. i guess that's the main thing why i'm still with him right now. you might think it so shallow, but if curiosity can kill, then curiosity can surely heals.. ahahahaha apaan coba!!!

sometimes... i got this wish that i could turn the hands of time.. either backward or forward.. i just cant stay on the present moment. for me, personally, it's not a good sign at all. it's like i'm in a place and time where i really want to runaway from present reality. i'm not in distress, i'm not in any kind of pressure. i just cant feel content with what i have NOW. hmpfff... this is definetly not a good thing!!

:: I wish you love // Lisa Ono ::

I wish you bluebirds in the Spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this,
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth,
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never ever be
So with my best, my very best,
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all
When snowflakes fall,
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never ever be
So with my best, my very best,
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all
When snowflakes fall,
I wish you love

When snowflakes fall, I wish you love
When snowflakes fall, I wish you love
When snowflakes fall, I wish you love...

defintely a good one! leo told me about this singer, and looked for it at aksara, but it was gone. so i went to hanny's place with the girls, mentioned about her, and appereantly marisa and hanny like her too!! so ... the best part was when hanny took her laptop downstairs and burned me the cd!! yeah!! right on!!!

the worst thing about what happened on this week, was when i finally found out from anggie about ficky.. and 'mbe [or whoever her real name is!]. it kinda broke my heart a lil.. knowing that i've been trying really hard not to get myself into touble like when i was with jedi. but it turned out that he failed me first. still ... i suppose he still deserve his chance to explain the whole thing. looks like, deep down inside, i'm still trying to keep this relationship going on. even when it cost me something that hurts.

right now.. i'm on my waiting room.. waiting whether he's gonna show up and pick me up this afternoon after work. he called me earlier this morning, and the conversation wasn't going that well. he said some things that made me startled. aftermath.. i'm not sure about how he feels for me anymore. i feel like i'm on the losing side.. being the goof one. i wish i have a way to know what he's really thinking. do i really deserve this?!

Well, yesterday I did go to his house, and it was one of the most fun things that I did this week. We also found our theme song! It was Kissing You by Des’ree. Nice.

Hmm… how I love those tulips on my comp’s wallpaper. It gives me a glimpse of spring’s breeze.
I decided to let ficky know that I have this urgency to talk to him. I’m going to make the list of the things I need and want to say. I'm gonna print it down so I wont forget a thing!!

Jedi sms me this morning, he had an accident yesterday on the highway. A truck hit him and his car went crash into pieces. Well maybe not actually into ‘pieces’ but yeah… The outcome was pretty bad. Today, he asked me to come over to his place and just have a talk. It’s been a while since we had a nice talk together, goin’ nuts and just being ourselves where we’re in a wonderland. But mom asked me to take her to find cable data at ITC, so until now, cant really tell whether I’m going to come at his place or not.

This is the way you should do your writing in Mrs. Mamoto’s class. Times New Roman, 12pt, left indent, without justify, just 1 space needed. She said that’s the way intellectual write their essays. For me, it’s a sign of plainness. Tradition sets itself as being plain, living in a standard way. I see it as a boring routine. Thank God our life doesn’t have to be that way. Thank God for Gutenberg, who inspire other typographers out there, to create their own set of new typography.

Because of them, we can all use Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, Trebuchet, and other sorts of fonts. Thank God we can all now write in different sets of points. I can use 10pt if I want to, as long as I think that’s comfortable enough to be read. I feel blessed to know that my life doesn’t have to be as plain as Mamoto’s writing rules, or other academic standards.

Today I met my friends; we hang out at Citos on our usual place, Brew &Co. That is the one true place where we feel guilty if we didn’t go there at Citos. It’s quite intriguing for me to realize that I can actually felt that way about one particular place. Does that place give me some kind of intimidation in a way that this guilty feeling develop? Or is it merely because it’s already feels like home?

Hmmm so now the point is: not going to a place that gives you a homey feeling, can cause you to have a sort of guilty feeling… that’s it? Hahahaha it just doesn’t make any sense, or is it? People nowadays become more and more individualistic, they become more independent towards their own basic needs. They create different ‘home’ for themselves. Home is no longer a certain place where you grew up, where your family is, where you have a living room, a bed room, fire place, a back yard for barbecue, or a your own bed to wonder. Home has become a more expandable term. Your home is where your heart is.

Well, then, let’s move on to relationships. Does your current relationship with your surroundings, with your loved ones really made you feel like home? Or is it the other way around. Does it give you a feeling of secure ness? Does it help you to forget things, forget your stress? Does it give you any relief? Does it let you be who ever you wanna be?

I haven’t met ficky for 3 weeks now, and on the early days, I was kinda frustrated with it. We’re in a relationship where we can’t even build one in an intense frequency. Week after week, I go stronger in facing this issue; I become more content in being with my friends rather than feeling sorry for myself. I become independent in my own way. But then again, I almost lost interest towards my own boyfriend. What can I really say about it now? Nothing really.

Tahiti 80 with Get Yourself Together … it talks to me and to what I’m facing right now. I don’t know what I can save myself from. At some point, I think I just lost it…

-end of transmission, along with the Kings of Convenience, I Don’t Know What I Can Save You From-

Rockapella with Crash into Me accompanying my mind while just then, Jedi gave me a call. I find it very amusing and relaxing to met him today. It’s just an ordinary picked up and drove me home, but realizing when’s the last time we actually talk and just be ourselves really put so many stresses in pause. For me, those moments are one of the actual things of quality time. The ability to be free.

“…Tied up and twisted the way I like it to be, for you for me to crush into me.”

Another Rockapella song, Sexual Healing… the song now brings me back to reality. A vague reality for sure, about my relationship with Mr. Night bird. We talked last night, he asked why I was being so damn nice to him, after all of his never-been-there mistake. I paused and think about it. I once think that I did that for love, but then again, I haven’t got a thing in me that can actually make me fall in real feelings for him. Until now, it’s all about commitment, trust, and being supportive. He hasn’t really touched my inner heart, by words or actions. Sometimes I feel empty with him, but in away I still think that deep down he could be the one I want to be with, the one that can make me feel agitated when I cant see him for a period of time. So I answered him, I told him that I did it because there’s what we called take and give in a relationship. Then he said that that’s the issue, he didn’t feel like he has given me enough. So I said that I will do what I have to do, and let God rewarded me, let Him give me what I need, maybe it might be through him, or maybe not. But I’m content that when I’ve done my part, I’ll reap the benefit from it, somehow, someday.


Tahiti 80 … Yellow butterfly…
“…In the back of my mind, there are so many things I don’t want you to know…”
In a way, when I am with Jedi… and I remember about Mr. Night bird, suddenly, I miss him. And I’m thankful that he’s there in my life right now. I feel blessed, even though his presence in my life is very limited. I want to love him, to care for him completely, to share everything that I feel, I know, I believe in.

Now, I’m letting time goes by once again… it’s 12:20am right now. Another day has begun… another opportunity, another life, another rush, another encouragement, another disappointments, another blessing, another melody, and another song. Currently plucking my eyebrows, the shape is getting out of order. So. I need to reshape it once again.